Last month we talked about how couples counseling can be useful for spouses considering divorce. But what if you have already decided to divorce, and you feel overwhelmed? Should you find an individual therapist? Or could another kind of professional be more useful? While many attorneys are good listeners, attorneys do not generally have the right kind of training to provide the emotional support that is crucial for so many people going through divorce. Your attorney’s job is to protect your legal rights. But there is another alternative to traditional therapy. Today we are going to talk about divorce coaches, what they do, and how they differ from therapists and counselors.
Managing Emotions During Divorce
If your spouse has served you with divorce papers, or if you have decided that filing for divorce is your best option, you are probably experiencing a wide range of emotions. You might feel relieved that things are finally moving toward a resolution. At the same time, you are likely to feel anxious about your future. Other common reactions include sadness, anger, and guilt. Ending a marriage often elicits intense feelings that can quickly lead to emotional fatigue, especially when there are children involved.
Successfully managing overwhelming emotions during divorce can prevent costly mistakes. Allowing feelings of guilt and regret to direct your actions might lead you to sacrifice legal rights. On the flip side, letting anger or hostility guide you could cause you to stick to unreasonable demands. If you find yourself saying things like, “You can keep the house and the retirement accounts, I just want this to be over with,” or “You are not getting the house, one penny of my retirement account, or a nickel of support,” you may need more than just legal help.
Both therapists and divorce coaches can help people manage emotions, navigate the process of divorce, and prepare for life after divorce. So then, what is the difference between them and how do you decide which one to hire?
Therapists and Mental Health Counselors
Therapists and mental health counselors go through an educational and training process to become licensed health care providers. They are able to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders. If a therapist provides you with medically necessary treatment for a diagnosed disorder, you may be able to get reimbursement for some or all of the cost through your health insurance provider.
Requirements for licensure as a therapist or counselor vary somewhat from state to state. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, mental health counselors, and marriage and family therapists all have different licensure tracks, and all provide some type of mental health service. Marital therapists in New Jersey are commonly either Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapists (LAMFT) or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). While such providers are often referred to as “marriage counselors,” a licensed professional counselor (LPC) actually goes through a different licensing process and is more likely to work with individuals than with couples. If you decide to consult with a therapist or counselor, it is important to understand both the training process they have gone through and the experience they have working with people going through divorce.
How Divorce Coaches Differ from Therapists and Counselors
Coaches do not treat mental disorders and their services are not covered by health insurance. They instead focus on helping clients build practical skills and cultivate positive emotions. This includes goal setting and making informed and rational decisions about everything from choosing a new living situation to creating a workable parenting plan. In addition to providing information, coaches often engage in exercises with their clients, such as modeling, rehearsing, and role-playing.
Working as a divorce coach does not require any specific training, but it is wise to consider hiring only a coach with a respected certification, such as the CDC certification. This will reassure you that you are choosing a professional who is equipped to provide appropriate support, guidance, and encouragement. It will also help ensure that the coach follows strict standards of ethics and confidentiality. Additional experience and training that may prove helpful depends on exactly which aspects of your divorce you need help with. Divorce coaches often branch off into coaching from other professions, including law, mental health, and financial planning.
If you are experiencing severe mental or emotional distress, such as crippling anxiety or depression, then you may be better off finding a therapist or a licensed counselor. Many therapists also practice coaching, so if you already have an individual therapist, or you plan to consult one, you can ask them if they offer coaching as well.
Using a Joint Divorce Coach
A coach usually represents only one spouse. It is possible to use a joint coach, but few divorcing spouses are comfortable with this. It is more common when spouses have agreed to participate in a collaborative divorce. In some cases, couples who have been in marriage counseling will continue to see the marriage counselor together for mutual help in transitioning to divorce. If you are happy with your current counselor, and both of you would like to continue seeing this person, ask them if they offer this type of support.
The Best Time to Meet with a Divorce Coach
While divorce coaches can offer support at any point during a divorce, you will likely get the most out of meetings early in the process. A coach can help you decide whether divorce mediation is appropriate for your situation. If you do decide to participate in mediation, a coach can be very helpful before beginning sessions, for premediation coaching, as well as between sessions, to help you debrief and refine plans.
Early sessions with a divorce coach can provide clarity regarding priorities and help you explore personalized plans that will optimize those priorities. A coach can also help you navigate the practical requirements of divorce, including collecting financial documents, communicating effectively with your spouse, and maintaining emotional resiliency throughout the process. Help with managing communications is especially valuable in a high conflict divorce.
If you need help with things beyond emotional and practical support, there are other professionals to consider. We will talk about some of these in our next post. In the meantime, if you are considering divorce mediation, contact one of our empathic and experienced divorce mediators today.
Do You Need a Divorce Coach?
Last month we talked about how couples counseling can be useful for spouses considering divorce. But what if you have already decided to divorce, and you feel overwhelmed? Should you find an individual therapist? Or could another kind of professional be more useful? While many attorneys are good listeners, attorneys do not generally have the right kind of training to provide the emotional support that is crucial for so many people going through divorce. Your attorney’s job is to protect your legal rights. But there is another alternative to traditional therapy. Today we are going to talk about divorce coaches, what they do, and how they differ from therapists and counselors.
Managing Emotions During Divorce
If your spouse has served you with divorce papers, or if you have decided that filing for divorce is your best option, you are probably experiencing a wide range of emotions. You might feel relieved that things are finally moving toward a resolution. At the same time, you are likely to feel anxious about your future. Other common reactions include sadness, anger, and guilt. Ending a marriage often elicits intense feelings that can quickly lead to emotional fatigue, especially when there are children involved.
Successfully managing overwhelming emotions during divorce can prevent costly mistakes. Allowing feelings of guilt and regret to direct your actions might lead you to sacrifice legal rights. On the flip side, letting anger or hostility guide you could cause you to stick to unreasonable demands. If you find yourself saying things like, “You can keep the house and the retirement accounts, I just want this to be over with,” or “You are not getting the house, one penny of my retirement account, or a nickel of support,” you may need more than just legal help.
Both therapists and divorce coaches can help people manage emotions, navigate the process of divorce, and prepare for life after divorce. So then, what is the difference between them and how do you decide which one to hire?
Therapists and Mental Health Counselors
Therapists and mental health counselors go through an educational and training process to become licensed health care providers. They are able to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders. If a therapist provides you with medically necessary treatment for a diagnosed disorder, you may be able to get reimbursement for some or all of the cost through your health insurance provider.
Requirements for licensure as a therapist or counselor vary somewhat from state to state. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, mental health counselors, and marriage and family therapists all have different licensure tracks, and all provide some type of mental health service. Marital therapists in New Jersey are commonly either Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapists (LAMFT) or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT). While such providers are often referred to as “marriage counselors,” a licensed professional counselor (LPC) actually goes through a different licensing process and is more likely to work with individuals than with couples. If you decide to consult with a therapist or counselor, it is important to understand both the training process they have gone through and the experience they have working with people going through divorce.
How Divorce Coaches Differ from Therapists and Counselors
Coaches do not treat mental disorders and their services are not covered by health insurance. They instead focus on helping clients build practical skills and cultivate positive emotions. This includes goal setting and making informed and rational decisions about everything from choosing a new living situation to creating a workable parenting plan. In addition to providing information, coaches often engage in exercises with their clients, such as modeling, rehearsing, and role-playing.
Working as a divorce coach does not require any specific training, but it is wise to consider hiring only a coach with a respected certification, such as the CDC certification. This will reassure you that you are choosing a professional who is equipped to provide appropriate support, guidance, and encouragement. It will also help ensure that the coach follows strict standards of ethics and confidentiality. Additional experience and training that may prove helpful depends on exactly which aspects of your divorce you need help with. Divorce coaches often branch off into coaching from other professions, including law, mental health, and financial planning.
If you are experiencing severe mental or emotional distress, such as crippling anxiety or depression, then you may be better off finding a therapist or a licensed counselor. Many therapists also practice coaching, so if you already have an individual therapist, or you plan to consult one, you can ask them if they offer coaching as well.
Using a Joint Divorce Coach
A coach usually represents only one spouse. It is possible to use a joint coach, but few divorcing spouses are comfortable with this. It is more common when spouses have agreed to participate in a collaborative divorce. In some cases, couples who have been in marriage counseling will continue to see the marriage counselor together for mutual help in transitioning to divorce. If you are happy with your current counselor, and both of you would like to continue seeing this person, ask them if they offer this type of support.
The Best Time to Meet with a Divorce Coach
While divorce coaches can offer support at any point during a divorce, you will likely get the most out of meetings early in the process. A coach can help you decide whether divorce mediation is appropriate for your situation. If you do decide to participate in mediation, a coach can be very helpful before beginning sessions, for premediation coaching, as well as between sessions, to help you debrief and refine plans.
Early sessions with a divorce coach can provide clarity regarding priorities and help you explore personalized plans that will optimize those priorities. A coach can also help you navigate the practical requirements of divorce, including collecting financial documents, communicating effectively with your spouse, and maintaining emotional resiliency throughout the process. Help with managing communications is especially valuable in a high conflict divorce.
If you need help with things beyond emotional and practical support, there are other professionals to consider. We will talk about some of these in our next post. In the meantime, if you are considering divorce mediation, contact one of our empathic and experienced divorce mediators today.
Should You Try Marriage Counseling Before Divorce Mediation?
Was this month’s Valentine’s Day a wakeup call about the state of your marriage? And if so, what are your next steps? Is your first stop an attorney’s office or is it a therapist’s couch for marriage counseling?
Read more
Preparing for Divorce in 2024
January is the month of New Year’s resolutions and a time when many people are looking for ways to renew their lives. For some, a fresh start includes moving forward with a divorce. Some people decide during the year that divorce is inevitable but wait for the close of the holiday season to finally make a move. Others see the writing on the wall after spending extended time together over the holidays. Whatever it is that has convinced you that this is the time, make sure you are truly ready before you file divorce papers. Here are a few steps to take first: Read more
May the Holidays Bring You Light and Hope
Once again, winter is here. The days have grown short, and the nights are cold. While most of us look forward to the light and cheer of the holidays, for those going through a divorce, light and cheer can feel like scarce commodities. Some people find themselves alone for the first time in years. Others have young children at home but struggle with figuring out how to afford the usual gifts and activities. If this sounds like you, remember that you are in the worst of it right now and better days are ahead. Read more
Addressing Bad Behavior in Divorce Mediation
Last month we talked about some of the personality traits that can lead to bad behavior in divorce. Divorce mediation can be difficult or impossible when your spouse resorts to tactics like unfairly blaming you for everything, using the kids as pawns, or overwhelming you with extreme emotional reactions. The situation can be even more dire if your spouse is financially dishonest or physically or emotionally abusive.
Not all bad behavior results in mediation being unsuccessful, however. Read more
Scary Behavior in Divorce Mediation
If you have read this blog before, you know that as a rule, we strongly encourage divorcing couples to resolve their disputes through mediation. Given our strong support of the process, you may be wondering if we ever think it is not a good idea to engage in mediation. Well, the sad answer is yes. There are cases where one or both spouses show such scary behavior that mediation is not possible.
While virtually no one is always on their best behavior during a divorce, if certain negative personality traits take over, it can make things especially difficult. This does not mean that people who demonstrate such personality traits can never engage in successful mediation, but it does mean that if you spot these traits—either in your spouse or in yourself—there is reason to proceed with caution.
In honor of October, here are a few of the scary characteristics that can derail divorce mediation:
Dishonesty
Ideally, you will go into divorce mediation trusting your spouse 100%. Although this ideal is extremely rare in divorce, you must at least trust your spouse to be financially honest. Spouses – even divorcing spouses – are bound by law to be honest with each other about their income, their assets, and their financial obligations. To help keep the parties on track in divorce mediation, they sign a participation agreement pledging honesty during the proceedings. If either party violates this agreement, it can be difficult to repair trust and move forward.
Vindictiveness
Vindictive spouses are out for revenge. They are not interested in mutually beneficial solutions but instead feel the need to win at all costs. Successful mediation is built on the idea that both parties are pursuing a fair resolution. If you believe that your spouse would rather burn everything down than concede anything, mediation will be challenging.
Narcissism
If your spouse seems to lack empathy and yet still manages to come across as somewhat charming, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists think they are special. They want to be the center of attention and do not consider other people’s needs to be as important as their own. They may take positions aimed at making themselves look better, such as insisting on primary or joint custody just to look like a good parent, rather than out of a true desire to be a good parent. Successful mediation requires a commitment to reaching a fair resolution, so someone who is continually trying to manipulate things to be heavily weighted toward their own needs will not be easy to work with.
Borderline Behavior
A person suffering with borderline personality disorder is terrified of abandonment and yet often pushes people away first to avoid being left. If your spouse vacillates between putting you on a pedestal and treating you like trash, you might be looking at some borderline traits. Life with someone like this is an emotional rollercoaster and trying to mediate with them will be no different. In fact, it may well be worse, as divorce will trigger all their deepest fears. A person who fears being abandoned by everyone, including their own children, may engage in manipulative tactics in a frantic effort to avoid this.
High Anxiety
People with high anxiety often have trouble letting go of perfectionism. This can translate into difficulty with compromise. The anxious person does not mean to be unreasonable but may be unable to manage the overwhelming fear that certain scenarios stir up. For example, they may be terrified at the thought of running out of money or of losing their home and having to move. Anxiety often spikes especially high around parenting issues. A highly anxious parent may be afraid to leave their children alone with the other parent, even if that parent is a perfectly competent caregiver. This can lead to an insistence on primary custody and an effort to control the rules and environment in the other parent’s home.
Negative Traits and Scary Behavior in Divorce
We all have personalities that include both positive and negative traits. Divorce can bring our worst traits to the forefront, which can lead to scary behavior that may stymie mediation. Hiding information, unfairly blaming the other party for everything that has gone wrong, using the kids as weapons, and trying to manipulate the other party with extreme emotional reactions, such as yelling, sobbing, or making threats, are all forms of bad behavior.
Since October is not just the scary month, but also National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it is important to point out that the ultimate form of bad behavior is domestic violence or abuse. If you have any question about whether your spouse’s behavior is veering into this kind of territory, take a look at this post for guidance on exactly what domestic violence is and when it should (or should not) make mediation completely out of the question.
What about the other types of scary behavior? If you have identified your spouse in any of the profiles above, you may have a new understanding of where their behavior is coming from. But what can you do with this information? Does it completely rule out mediation? What can you do to move forward, and how can you know when it is time to move to litigation?
In most cases, there is a lot you can do. Come back next month for some details. Meanwhile, do not let yourself be scared off by this post! In the vast majority of cases, divorce mediation offers a host of benefits when compared to litigation. These potential benefits include cost savings, improved privacy, and generally lower levels of conflict.
If you and your spouse are interested in talking to an experienced divorce mediator, contact us today for an initial consultation.
Parenting Mediation: Focus on the Children
Co-parenting can be tricky even in the summer months but fall often presents a series of new challenges. Just as kids are finally settling into their back-to-school routines, the holiday season looms ahead. All the tumult can make for rough sailing, even for parents who thought they had everything worked out. Whether you are just beginning your co-parenting journey and still trying to hammer out an initial parenting agreement, or you have co-parented for years but find that things are no longer working as they once did, mediation can be a valuable resource. Read more
Mediation and the Family Home – Part II
In our last post we talked about mediation and what to do with your family home during your divorce. Whatever you decide to do on a temporary basis, however, if you are like most couples who choose mediation, it will not be too long before you need to move on to making a final decision about the home.
Options for the Family Home in Divorce
The most popular alternatives for what to do with a family home on final judgment of divorce include the following:
Mediation Provides Maximum Flexibility
If this decision is left to a judge, the judge might award the home to one spouse, or might order the parties to sell it and divide the proceeds. While judges sometimes order more creative solutions, they do not usually have the time to consider all potential alternatives. The beauty of mediation is that it leaves the two of you free to consider all possibilities and then spell out the details in your Marital Settlement Agreement. Mediation also allows you to consider issues that may be closely intertwined with the home at the same time. These can include questions about employment, other assets, and/or children’s needs.
Emotional Attachment Can Fuel Mistakes
Many people have an emotional attachment to the family home. It is important not to let such feelings get in the way of reaching common sense solutions that will be best for your future. Common pitfalls to avoid when deciding what to do with a family home include the following:
Thinking that all assets are equal.
Not planning adequately for future needs.
Failing to consider the true costs of keeping a home.
A Financial Professional Can Provide Valuable Help
Scenarios like the one above often require the assistance of a financial expert to estimate the true future value of each asset. A financial specialist in a divorce case is usually an accountant or financial planner who has completed additional training in resolving common divorce issues. The expert may have a certification, such as “Certified Divorce Financial Analyst” (CDFA). If you and your spouse have chosen mediation, you can decide whether it makes more sense for each of you to use your own financial planner or to hire one joint expert. A joint expert will help both of you understand the potential tax effects and other financial implications of your planned property distribution and other financial aspects of your divorce.
if you and your spouse are ready to work on the final disposition of your property in divorce, contact one of our caring and experienced family law mediators today.
Mediation and the Family Home
In our March post, we talked about getting ready to resolve financial issues in divorce mediation. Today we will talk about how mediation can help you decide what to do with the family home while your divorce is pending. Read more
Creating a Successful Parenting Plan
Last month, we talked about what kind of information you need to create a functional parenting plan. Once you and your coparent have considered all the pertinent facts, it is time to build your plan. Many parents find this to be a stressful process. Knowing what to include in your plan can help. A skilled parenting mediator can also be a valuable resource. Read more