Once again, we are in the midst of the holiday season. As we all know, expectations can run high for this to be a joyful time of year. For those facing divorce, however, finding joy can be a challenge. If you feel this way, you are not alone. The hubbub and cheeriness of the season can create a stark contrast to the trauma of family upheaval. Perhaps you are alone during the holidays for the first time in years. Or maybe you have young children at home, but your newly stripped-down budget just cannot accommodate the holiday gifts and activities that they have come to expect.
If you are tempted to opt out of celebrating completely, remember that participating in festivities might boost your mood even if you must force yourself to get out there. If money is the issue, look for free events. It is okay to be sad if you cannot afford the latest toys for your children, but you can take some comfort in the knowledge that navigating adversity builds resilience. The difficult times will pass, but resilient children will be well set-up for long-term life success.
Let your children know that even though this is a tough year, they are loved. Do whatever you can afford to do together, whether it is making homemade ornaments from pipe cleaners and popsicle sticks or collecting things to donate to those even less fortunate than your own family. And if you are alone, do these things for yourself! Indulging in self-care during stressful times can work wonders.
Make this Holiday Season about Hope
Instead of focusing on the difficulty of your present situation, try to focus on the new year that is coming. Divorce presents all kinds of situations that can lead to spiraling negative thoughts. Such thoughts can quickly turn into guilt about all your past choices. Remember that self-blame is often inaccurate. And even when there is fault to be found, dwelling on it serves you only insofar as it can prompt better decision-making moving forward. If you let yourself stay mired in regret it will be harder to take constructive action. Divorce is traumatic enough without adding to the trauma by blaming yourself. You deserve grace and compassion, not guilt.
The flip side of exaggerated guilt is exaggerated anger. Many people going through divorce have good reasons to be angry with their exes. Nevertheless, you would be doing yourself a favor to try to let the anger go. Anger is corrosive. It does nothing to undo any damage by a perpetrator, and it creates mental and physical stress for the person experiencing the anger. Acknowledge it fully and then release it.
Thoughts that trigger negative emotions like guilt and anger can be extremely difficult to deal with. Substituting other thoughts is one potential tool. If you find yourself overwhelmed with guilt or anger, stop and count the things that you still have, the things that can lead to hope for the future.
Take Necessary Action
Many people do not want to deal with divorce during the holidays, and this can be a valid choice. There are some situations, however, where you need to act as soon as possible. If you are struggling to get by because you are a stay-at-home spouse, or you earn substantially less than your ex, and your ex is no longer contributing to your expenses, consult with an attorney about getting a temporary support agreement. Temporary support should allow each spouse to maintain their current standard of living to the greatest extent possible during the divorce process. A permanent support analysis is different and can wait until things are further along.
Temporary agreements are also important if you do not yet have a parenting plan in place. You can be as creative as you like with a temporary parenting plan without locking anything in long term. Best of all, focusing on peaceful coparenting can be a priceless holiday gift to your children.
If you and your ex are struggling with even temporary agreements, a mediator can help you work these out. As a last resort, you can ask a court to put temporary orders in place. When you are ready to work on more permanent agreements, mediation can help you approach the divorce process with respect, consideration, and hope.
After the New Year, we will review some of the benefits of mediation for divorce and parenting disputes. Meanwhile, stay strong, and Happy Holidays!
If you are ready to discuss mediation with one of our trained and experienced divorce mediators, contact us today for an initial consultation.