Throughout our series on using mediation to avoid divorce court backlogs, we have done a deep dive into many topics. These have included the differences between litigation and mediation; how the mediation process works; and exactly what it takes to be successful in divorce mediation. There is another topic, however, that does not concern the process itself but is nevertheless critical to success. What if you have read all about the mediation process and you are ready to try it, but your spouse is not interested? If this is where you find yourself, the following information may be of help.
Reasons a Spouse Might Object to Divorce Mediation
It is not uncommon for people to start off opposed to the idea of mediation but change their minds later. This often happens when they see how expensive and complicated the court process is. Here are some of the reasons that a spouse might resist mediation, and some possible ways to address them:
Failure to accept the reality of divorce
It is very common for spouses to reach the decision to divorce on different timelines. Even if you feel that things have reached the point of inevitability, your spouse may not be there yet. This may be true even if things have progressed significantly. Even if you have moved out of the marital home, for example, your spouse might still hope for reconciliation. If this is the case, you could ask your spouse to go to mediation to create a temporary separation agreement. This is a good first step if you are separated but one of you is not ready for divorce.
If your spouse is not even ready for a separation agreement, consider scheduling a few sessions with a marital therapist. Do not worry that the therapist will try to convince you to stay in a marriage that is no longer viable. If there are avenues for reconciliation that you have not yet considered, this could be worth exploring. If not, the therapist can help your spouse reach closure. Even if you feel certain about the divorce, your spouse deserves a chance to process the situation. Marriages rarely end completely and abruptly. Things tend instead to evolve over time. Usually both spouses need to sift through mixed feelings before things either improve or reach a final resolution. Successful divorce mediation depends in part on starting at the right point in time.
Misunderstanding the purpose or the process
People sometimes confuse mediation with marital therapy or couples counseling. They may think it is appropriate only if there is a possibility of reconciliation. Other people misunderstand the costs involved. They may think that because each of you needs to have your own lawyer, hiring a mediator on top of that will be more expensive than going to court. Still others might think the mediator will have power to make decisions and would rather turn things over to a judge. Sharing this blog with your spouse may help correct any inaccurate information or impressions.
Mistrust
Your spouse may not trust you to be honest. Perhaps your spouse believes that you will hide assets, for example. If this mistrust is based on actual events, than mediation may not be the best alternative. If you believe the mistrust is not well-founded, it might still be difficult to convince your spouse of that. In some cases, the best approach is to begin your case in court but proceed in as non-threatening a manner as possible. Share all relevant information and documents in a thorough and timely way with your spouse. Once your spouse sees that you are maintaining an honest, open, and cooperative approach, you may be able to raise the possibility of mediation again.
Power imbalances
Your spouse may believe that all the negotiating power will be on your side. This might be because you earn a lot more money, or it might be something else. Your spouse might simply have a less forceful personality than you and fear being bowled over in any face-to-face scenario. If this is the case, putting more pressure on your spouse is unlikely to be productive. Instead, try sharing some written materials that clarify mediation protocols and explain the mediator’s role in balancing power differentials and helping participants work collaboratively.
Make sure that your spouse knows that you will choose a mediator together. You can also point out that you will each have consulting attorneys, and that, if necessary, you can take your attorneys to some of the mediation sessions. Again, sharing the information from this blog with your spouse could be helpful. Ultimately, as with the above situation, it may be best to start your case in court while preserving the possibility of moving to mediation later.
We hope the information in this series has been helpful. If you want to know more about any aspect of mediation, or if you are ready to start mediation, contact one of our experienced mediators today.