The right mediator can make a big difference in how successful you are in divorce mediation. Whether or not a mediator is a good fit for you depends on several factors. In this post we will look at a few of them.

Let’s look at a typical couple considering divorce mediation. We will call them Laura and Sean. This couple decided to divorce several months ago but soon got bogged down in the details of separating after a 10-year marriage. They struggled over everything, from how to divide custody of their two young children to what to do with their house. Laura’s attorney suggested mediation, and she and Sean both liked the idea. But when they interviewed a mediator last week, Laura was not sure that she was the right person for them. How can Laura tell if her feelings are valid? Exactly what should she be looking for?

Training and Experience

Training and experience are critical factors to consider when choosing a divorce mediator. These are also the factors that are easiest to measure objectively. Even so, it can be difficult to know what kind of training and experience really matters. New Jersey does not require mediators in private practice to be licensed or certified. This means that it is largely up to participants to decide what kind of qualifications are essential in their case.

As a threshold matter, general mediation training is not enough. A competent family law mediator in New Jersey will have completed, at a minimum, a specialized 40-hour course in divorce mediation. Because most mediation training programs are short, a mediator’s additional professional background is very important. A mediator who is also a family law attorney will have an in-depth knowledge of family law and will be able to provide you with critical legal information. They will also know when it is a good idea to include experts, such as financial or child development professionals, in your mediation. There are many other professionals who offer mediation services. If you decide to go with a mediator who is not a family law attorney, make sure that they have a solid grasp of family law.

Interpersonal Skills

Going back to Laura and Sean, we learn that they took the time to review credentials before interviewing potential mediators. Laura is therefore not concerned about the professional background or competence of the first mediator they met with; she just felt that they did not click. This is a harder situation to assess, as personal fit is such a nebulous quality. There are some interpersonal skills, however, that are important in a mediator. These include:

• Empathy
• Reflective Listening Skills
• Ability to maintain neutrality
• Ability to keep a balance between participants

Laura should ask herself if there was something specific that the mediator did that makes her question her skills. For example, did she misunderstand something Laura said to her, did Laura feel that she was taking Sean’s side in an issue, or did she let Sean talk for a significantly longer period than she let Laura talk?

It is a good idea, if possible, for spouses to interview two or three potential mediators to increase the chances of finding someone they both feel comfortable with. If Laura talks to three different mediators and does not like any of them, however, she should ask herself if it is actually the mediators she has a problem with, or if it might be something else. Is she really ready for the divorce? Is she committed to the mediation process, or is there some reason she thinks it might not work?  Perhaps she does not trust her spouse to be honest, or perhaps she questions her own ability to stay calm throughout the process, or to not let herself get run over by her spouse.

If Laura decides that one of the latter factors is in play, she should discuss her options with her attorney. She could also consider working with a therapist, who might be able to serve as a divorce coach.

Mediator Styles

In addition to differences in experience, training and interpersonal skills, mediators may intentionally use different approaches to the mediation process. Most family mediators use a “facilitative” approach. This means that they will provide legal information and ask questions but will not generally offer opinions. While this is the most common approach, there are situations where a different style, such as an “evaluative” or “transformative” style, might work better. It is important to make sure that a mediator’s style is a good fit for both of you. We will look more closely at mediator styles in our next post.

Questions to Ask a Prospective Mediator

It can help to have a list of questions to ask when interviewing mediators. You want to make sure that you understand how the mediation process will work. You also want to be sure that you have trust and confidence in the mediator you are interviewing. Here are a few sample questions:

• What is your professional background (attorney, psychologist, other)?
• What kind of mediation training do you have?
• How would you describe your mediator style?
• How many divorces have you mediated?
• What is your hourly fee and what other costs can we expect to incur?
• Will we have to hire additional professionals, such as financial experts?
• How many hours/sessions, on average, do your family mediations take?
• Will you prepare a written summary of each session?
• How much help will you give us with our paperwork?
• Will you prepare our Marital Settlement Agreement?

You can learn more about Weinberger Mediation Center’s caring and experienced divorce mediators here. If you want to know more about any aspect of divorce mediation, or if you are ready to start mediation, contact us today.