“I know going to court is expensive,” Cassie told her lawyer, “but if we go to mediation, Brent is never going to agree to anything that I want. Every time I try to talk to him about alimony, he just gets mad. He keeps accusing me of wanting to mooch off of him for the rest of my life. I don’t like the idea of having to depend on him any more than he does, but he seems to think I can just walk back into a great job like the one I had when I was 30. I don’t think that’s too likely after 15 years at home with the kids!” Read more
Jim and Kelly decided to call it quits on their marriage after only three years. They believed their divorce would be simple. They had some property to divide, but at least they didn’t have to worry about fighting over custody and visitation of children. Unfortunately, when they sat down to hash things out, they realized that they did have someone to fight over, after all—their beloved pets. Read more
If you are considering divorce mediation, you might be taken aback when you hear that during the process you and your soon-to-be-ex will need to speak directly to one another. Tracy, a 32-year-old mother of two, sums up the typical response. “Impossible! The whole reason we’re getting a divorce is that we’re completely unable to communicate with each other.”
But for Tracy, and for you, the truth is, no matter how you plan to proceed with your divorce, you will need to find some way to exchange information and ideas during settlement efforts. Effective communication can make all the difference when it comes to maximizing positive results. If you have children, you will also need to continue interacting with each other after the divorce is over, so the sooner you learn how to do that effectively the better. Read more
Alice was surprised when her consulting attorney gave her a blank New Jersey Family Law Case Information Statement (CIS) and recommended that she fill it out before her first mediation session. “Ask your husband to complete it also,” the attorney added. “It will really help you organize your financial issues right off the bat.”
Alice took the form home and looked it over and now she is feeling a bit overwhelmed. It’s so official looking and so detailed. Alice and her husband Blake chose mediation partly so that they didn’t have to deal with all the red tape of court. Do they really need to bother with this form? Read more
Here at the Weinberger mediation blog, we share a lot of detailed information about the mediation process. We have previously discussed some of the mistaken ideas or “myths” about mediation circulating out in the public. This month we are highlighting the facts behind a few more myths: Read more
In our last post, we talked about mediation and planning for college expenses. Today we will look in more detail at the categories that you and your child’s other parent should address in any financial planning meetings about college contributions. These include: Read more
As parents of high school seniors already know, January and February are the deadline months for many college applications. This can be a financially stressful time for any family. For families going through divorce, the stakes can be even higher.
In our last post, we discussed how a couple with three children between 12 and 15 years of age made the decision to pursue child inclusive mediation (CI). Both Jeff, a high school math teacher and basketball coach, and Yvonne, an IT professional, wanted primary residential custody of 15-year-old Kyle and 12-year-old twins, Katie and Kayla. Their mediator, Brian Hill, suggested that they try CI, a process that brings a mutually agreed upon child specialist into the mediation. Yvonne and Jeff agreed that this seemed like a positive way to move forward with a successful parenting plan. They chose Dr. Jasmine Landers as their specialist.
Meetings with the Child Specialist
Dr. Landers met individually with each parent and each child, and also met with each parent together with the children. She gathered detailed information about the children’s educational and developmental histories, as well as their current and future schedules of extracurricular activities. She then met with the parents and the mediator to discuss her findings and help them put together a workable plan.
Both Jeff and Yvonne were somewhat surprised at what they learned from the meetings with Dr. Landers. The twins had agreed that they had a closer relationship with their mother than with their father. At the same time, however, both of them had spontaneously expressed comfort with splitting time equally between their parents’ new homes. They expressed great relief that both parents had decided to remain in their current neighborhood. Kyle, on the other hand, had told Dr. Landers in his separate meeting that it was hard for him to spend a lot of time with his father. If he had to choose, he said, he would much prefer to live with his mother.
“I did notice some tension between you and Kyle when I interviewed you together,” Dr. Landers told Jeff. “My guess is that some of it might come from him feeling pressure to impress you, because of the fact that you are not only his dad, but also his coach. From various comments he made, I also suspect that he may be blaming you for the divorce to some degree. Kids sometimes feel that they have to take a side.”
When Jeff expressed shock at this observation and jumped to defend himself, Dr. Landers immediately reassured him. “I’m not making any judgments here,” she stressed. “It’s quite obvious to me that both of you are involved parents who are deeply committed to your children. Kyle might just be feeling protective of his mother, without that necessarily having anything in particular to do with you. In fact, I sensed a bit of the opposite from the twins. They seem to be feeling protective of their father. That may be why they jumped to the equal time idea, as a way of ensuring that Jeff was not going to be shut out.”
“Older children often hide their own needs for emotional support,” Dr. Landers continued. “All three of your kids came across as very responsible and very mature for their ages. While that’s mostly a positive thing, it’s important that both of you make clear to them that they do not have to take care of you. You are still the parents, and so you should be protecting them; not the other way around. For Kyle in particular, a few sessions with a family therapist might help him work through his feelings.”
Functional Parenting Plans for Teens and Preteens
Dr. Landers then noted that the formerly high conflict level between the parents seemed to have dispersed considerably since they’d entered mediation. “That’s a great development for your kids,” she pointed out. “If the two of you feel that you can co-parent without fighting, the best solution would probably be for you to split parenting time equally or nearly equally. If that is too challenging, then right now the factors slightly favor designating Yvonne as the primary parent.”
Jeff protested that practical reasons made it less convenient for Kyle to spend either more time or equal time with Yvonne. Yvonne countered that she did not know how sharing time with the twins would work either, since she spent many evenings transporting them to dance classes and other activities.
“Well, that is the next step,” Dr. Landers continued. “For preteens and teens, the practicalities are often the most important thing. Each of you should consult a calendar and line up the children’s activities with your own outside responsibilities. See if you can come up with something that gives you both ample time with the kids, and also takes care of their individual needs for transportation and support. The time-share doesn’t have to be exactly equal. The kids don’t all have to have identical parenting schedules either. The great thing about creating your own plan is that you can be creative and flexible.”
Jeff and Yvonne Create Their Own Parenting Plan
Yvonne and Jeff each thought carefully before submitting their written proposals. While they continued to disagree on certain points, after a couple of attempts they came up with a mutually acceptable schedule. The plan was both detailed and unique. They had nearly equal parenting time, but their time-sharing with Kyle changed seasonally to adapt to his extracurricular activities. During the winter, he spent more time with Jeff because it was easier for him to get back and forth to practices and games that way. During the spring and fall, however, he spent more time with Yvonne. The twins, on the other hand, had a fairly stable split week schedule. They spent one extra day each week with Yvonne, to make it easier for her to drive them to their evening activities. During the summer, all of the kids spent half their vacation time with Kyle and half with Yvonne.
With the help of Dr. Landers and Mr. Hill, Yvonne and Jeff were able to craft a parenting agreement promising collaboration and flexibility. They included details about how they would communicate with each other; how the children would communicate with the parent they were not currently staying with; and how the family would resolve future disagreements, including returning to mediation for any intractable dispute. Both Jeff and Yvonne left mediation highly satisfied with both the process and their results.
If you are interested in constructing a mediation process to resolve your parenting dispute, the child custody mediators at Weinberger Law Group’s Mediation Center can help. Contact us today for a free consultation.
Recently we have been discussing different procedural options for resolving child custody disputes in New Jersey. We followed one family through litigation and another through mediation with a child-focused approach. Today we will look at a third option, child-inclusive mediation.
Mediation vs. Litigation for Parenting Disputes
As we discussed in our February post, there are several reasons why mediating parenting disputes is generally preferable to litigating them. Mediation tends to defuse conflict, while litigation tends to inflame it. Mediation also protects the privacy of the family, and it is usually much cheaper than going to court. Parties in mediation can share a child development expert. This adds an expense to the mediation process, but it is still generally cost-effective as compared to hiring competing experts to give opinions in court. In April, we saw how some of this played out in the case of Alan and Cherie. While they eventually achieved a reasonable result through litigation, both were unhappy with the cost and the degree of conflict associated with that approach
Child-Focused Mediation vs. Child-Inclusive Mediation
As we have also previously discussed, there are different ways to use a child specialist in mediation. Two approaches that appear to reduce post-resolution conflict between parents are child-focused mediation (CF) and child-inclusive mediation (CI). Both approaches facilitate parenting agreements that incorporate aspirational language and address communication between parents and other aspects of the parent-child relationship. Both approaches employ a child specialist to provide parents with age-specific information about the effects of divorce on children. In CI, however, the specialist also interviews the children in the family before meeting with the parents and the mediator.
While CI may produce somewhat better results than CF, it is only appropriate for children who are at least 5 years old. Last month we followed Derek and Megan, a couple with two young children, through a CF process. Today we will focus on a couple trying to choose an appropriate process for a parenting dispute involving older children.
Jeff and Yvonne Begin Divorce Mediation
Jeff, a high school teacher and basketball coach, and Yvonne, an IT professional, are both 44 years old, and they have been married for 20 years. Their children are 15-year-old Kyle, and 12-year-old twins, Katie and Kayla. Yvonne works a regular 9-5 schedule, while Jeff is generally at school from about 7 a.m. until 4 p.m. During basketball season, he works both longer days and weekends. He has also worked at a science day camp for about 6 weeks during each of the past few summers.
Yvonne and Jeff decided to divorce more than a year ago, but practical concerns prevented them from moving forward. Neither was willing to move out of the family home, mainly because they both wanted to seek primary custody of the children. On the advice of their attorneys, they recently decided to try mediation, where they immediately began to make progress. One of their first decisions was to sell the family home. Renting or purchasing two smaller homes within the same neighborhood, they agreed, would make it easy for the children to travel between homes. They did not agree, however, on how much time the children should spend at each parent’s home.
Mediating Parenting Disputes with Older Children
Yvonne felt strongly that the children should have one home base. She also felt strongly that the twins would want to stay with her rather than splitting their time. “I know it isn’t right to just come out and ask them,” she said. “I wouldn’t put them in the middle like that, but they are 12-year-old girls, and they have both always been very close to me.” She proposed a parenting schedule that gave Jeff alternate weekends and Wednesday night dinners.
Jeff adamantly objected. “I know the three of you are close,” he acknowledged, “but I don’t think that means that they wouldn’t want to spend at least half their time with me. I’m also pretty sure that Kyle would rather live with me, and now that he’s on the basketball team, it would definitely be more convenient.”
Yvonne did not find Jeff’s arguments convincing. “Kyle fights with you constantly,” she pointed out. “If you are going to be his coach, he probably needs more time away from you, not more time with you.”
Jeff and Yvonne Choose a Child-Inclusive Process
After Jeff and Yvonne went around in circles for a while, their mediator, Brian Hill, made a suggestion. “You’re right that asking children about their living preferences can be very tricky,” he agreed. “Most kids will hesitate to state their feelings plainly, because they don’t want to feel disloyal to either parent. One way to handle this is to involve a child development specialist who can interview everyone in the family. Professionals with a lot of experience in reorganizing families know how to assess what would be in a child’s best interests without asking direct questions.”
Mr. Hill gave the parents some additional information about child-inclusive mediation. Both Yvonne and Jeff agreed that this seemed like a positive way to move forward. Their attorneys each recommended two or three experts, and eventually they agreed upon Dr. Jasmine Landers, a licensed psychologist with many years of experience helping divorcing families reorganize their lives. In our next post, we will see how the CI process works out for Yvonne and Jeff’s family.
If you are having trouble choosing a process to resolve your parenting dispute, the child custody mediators at Weinberger Law Group’s Mediation Center can help. Contact us today for a free consultation.
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