Resolving Parenting Disputes in Mediation: Three Families Consider the Options

In our last post, we discussed the documented benefits of child-focused mediation and child-inclusive mediation in divorce. In our next few posts, we will present the stories of three divorcing couples, each of whom decides to approach their parenting disputes in different ways. These families are fictional, but their stories are derived from various real life scenarios. One family will go through a court process, one will go through mediation with a child-focused approach, and the third will go through child-inclusive mediation. These examples may help give you a clearer idea of the differences among these approaches. All three families use “child specialists,” but in very different ways. Today we will introduce the three families:

Alan and Cherie

Alan, 45, and Cherie, 43, have been married for 15 years. They have two children, 9-year-old Mike and 11-year-old Alexis. Cherie is a small business proprietor. She keeps flexible hours and has generally been able to fit her business commitments around the children’s school schedules and extracurricular activities. Alan is an executive for a fast food restaurant chain. He works regular but long hours, often from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday. Cherie and Alan own a home together, but Alan has recently moved into a separate apartment.

Cherie is adamant that Alan should have the children only for alternate weekends, as she does not see how his schedule could accommodate anything more. Alan, on the other hand, is fighting for equal time. He is looking into options like cutting back his hours or working at home for one or two days a week.  Cherie is afraid that if he pursues these options, it will affect his income, possibly reducing a budget that will already be too tight to adequately maintain two separate homes. She is also worried that if Alan tries to increase his parenting time, he won’t be consistent and the children will end up being left alone for long periods. She claims that Alan has never been an involved parent and insists that equal time would not be good for the kids. Both Alan and Cherie have consulted aggressive attorneys about their parenting dispute.

Megan and Derek

Megan, 39, and Derek, 37, have been married for 10 years. They have two children, 5-year-old Ally and 3-year-old Jessie. Both parents are dentists who set up a practice together soon after their marriage. They are now in the process of figuring out how to divide this practice between them. The practice has been doing well. Both Megan and Derek would like to keep it, but they don’t want to continue working together. Adding to the stress of this dilemma is that they both still have high student loan balances to consider. They have agreed to go to mediation to discuss the issues surrounding their dental practice.

Derek and Megan have had few discussions about custody and visitation. They currently have a full-time nanny, but they don’t know if they will be able to afford this after the divorce. They bought a townhouse together about eight years ago. While neither parent has officially moved out, Megan has been spending a lot of time at her parents’ house. The house is only a couple of miles away, and the children frequently stay there with Megan on the weekends. Both Megan and Derek are willing to sell their townhouse if necessary. Both parents tell the mediator that they would like to be the primary parent, but they also want to be sure to do what is best for the kids. They ask the mediator for advice on how to proceed.

Jeff and Yvonne

Jeff and Yvonne are both 44 years old and have been married for 20 years. They have three children, 15-year-old Kyle, and 12-year-old twins, Katie and Kayla. Yvonne is an IT professional who works a regular 9-5 schedule. Jeff is a high school teacher and basketball coach. His schedule varies. He is generally at the school from about 7 a.m. until 4 p.m., but during basketball season he works longer days as well as weekends. During the past few summers, he has worked at a science day camp for about 6 weeks.

Although Yvonne and Jeff have decided to divorce, neither of them is willing to move out of the family home. Both parents want primary custody of the children, and mainly because of this, both also want possession of the house. So far they have been coping with their dilemma by sleeping in separate rooms and alternating dinners with the children. Unfortunately, they now barely speak to one another, because they don’t want to fight in front of the kids. They know this situation can’t go on for much longer, and they are looking for a way to resolve things that will not cost them the children’s college funds.

In our next post, we will see how Alan and Cherie approach their parenting issues and what kind of result they eventually achieve.

If you are considering using private mediation to resolve your parenting disputes, the experienced and compassionate mediators at Weinberger Mediation Center can help you construct a process that is right for your family. Contact us today for an initial consultation. 

Keeping the Focus on Children in Parenting Mediation

If you are a parent embroiled in a disagreement about post-divorce custody or parenting time, you may be wondering how to get out of the conflict loop. Perhaps an attorney has told you that it is important to take a child focused approach. You may also have learned that the law allows children to have some input into which parent they would rather live with, if the child is old enough and mature enough to reach an intelligent decision. But how much input? And how old is old enough? Is your sometimes irresponsible 13-year-old old enough? What about your very mature 10-year-old? And if your child hasn’t volunteered an opinion, how can you find out what they are thinking? Asking directly is not a good idea; it puts a child in the untenable position of having to choose between parents.

Confusion sometimes leads parents to unwittingly fall further and further down a litigation rabbit hole. One parent hires an aggressive attorney and presents the other with an opinion from a high-priced child custody evaluator. The other parent then sees no option other than to fight back just as aggressively with a competing opinion from an equally high-priced expert. There are cheaper and more collaborative ways out of the confusion. Child focused mediation and child inclusive mediation are two potential options.

Child Focused Mediation and Child Inclusive Mediation

Mediation in general is far better than litigation at protecting children from the negative effects of conflict in divorce. And bringing a mutually-selected child development professional into the mediation process is generally much more cost-effective than hiring competing experts to give opinions in court. In recent years, researchers have looked at how best to involve child consultants in parenting mediation. Two approaches, child-focused mediation (CF) and child-inclusive mediation (CI) have shown promise. (See, e.g., Rudd, Ogle, et al, 2015 and McIntosh, Wells, et al, 2008.)  Both methods facilitate parenting agreements that incorporate aspirational language about co-parenting, such as provisions addressing communication between parents and other aspects of the parent-child relationships. Both also appear to result in less conflict between parents following the initial resolution of all mediation issues. CI, in particular, seems to lead to fewer conflict-related motions, hearings and court orders during the first post-resolution year.

In both CF and CI, a child consultant engages with the parents early in the mediation process. The consultant provides information about the effects of divorce on children, including effects of interparental conflict. A CF consultant focuses on general research tailored to the ages of the children in the family. A CI consultant goes a step further, by interviewing the children before meeting with the parents and the mediator. Feedback is then primarily based on what the consultant learned from the interview. There are indications that CI may lead to more far-ranging benefits than CF. CI, however, is limited to families with children who are old enough to engage effectively in an interview, generally at least 5-years-old or older.

Child Focused Mediators

A potential benefit of CF is that it does not necessarily require the inclusion of an outside consultant. Unless there are complex child development issues (a child with special needs for example) a trained mediator can assume the child consultant’s role, which in CF is primarily an educational role. This requires the mediator to give up, to a limited extent, the posture of full neutrality. The mediator remains fully neutral as to the parents, but simultaneously becomes more of an advocate for the children.

Techniques a child-focused mediator may use include the following:

  • Providing parents with educational materials on relevant child development research, such as age-specific information about the impact of parental conflict on children’s emotional health and social development;
  • Referring parents to other sources of information and support, such as parenting classes;
  • Writing the child’s name on a whiteboard and asking parents to list important facts about the child, such as personality, age, stage of development, and preferred activities;
  • Proposing possible ways to manage parental conflict, and discussing how to incorporate such approaches into a parenting agreement;
  • Bringing the focus back to the child when the parents revert to a confrontational win/lose negotiation style.

In our next post, we’ll take a closer look at child focused mediation. If you think a child focused approach might be right for your family, contact us today for an initial consultation. 

Thinking of Divorce Mediation in 2018? Get Ready…Get Set…Go!

Did you make a New Year’s resolution this year to finally move ahead with your divorce? Sometimes couples decide to separate but then find themselves stymied about exactly how to proceed. Even after a New Year’s resolution, daily life has a way of intervening. If you are stuck wondering how to begin the divorce process, consider beginning with mediation. Here are a few steps to help you move ahead:

Get Ready: Decide whether or not you are good candidates for mediation.

All types of divorcing couples, from those with few assets and few issues to those with a high net worth and multiple complex problems, can successfully use mediation to minimize the stress and cost of divorce. The process provides greater personal control and increased privacy. These three questions can help you decide if mediation is right for you:

Are both of you willing to work together to resolve your disputes?

It’s the willingness that is key here. Even spouses who aren’t on particularly good terms with one another can benefit from mediation if they share the goals of collaboration and compromise. A skilled mediator can help you overcome any communication obstacles.

Are both of you interested in win-win solutions, rather than a win-lose outcome?

For those with the right mind-set, mediation can maximize positive results for both parties. If one or both of you is harboring a lot of anger, you may need to do some work with a therapist first to ensure that bitterness or a desire for revenge does not get in the way of the best possible outcome.

Is your marital history free of domestic violence or abuse?

If one spouse feels intimidated by the other, divorce mediation is less likely to be effective. If any restraining orders are in effect, face-to-face negotiations will not be possible. Couples who are not embroiled in an abusive dynamic, however, are likely to benefit from mediation. If you are not sure which category you fall into, don’t automatically assume that mediation is not be an option. Sometimes the solution is to substitute a more structured process. A family law attorney can help you assess your situation.

Get Set: Agree on the Process and Choose a Mediator

If you and your spouse are in agreement that divorce mediation is the right approach, then you can move on to selecting a mutually agreeable mediator. If, however, your spouse is less than enthusiastic, don’t give up yet. It’s possible that after receiving additional information and reassurances, they will reconsider. There’s a multitude of information available on the internet, so beware of overwhelming a resistant spouse with too much. Try to hone in on the features that people really need to understand in order to make an informed choice:

Purpose: Many people misunderstand the purpose of divorce mediation. Some think it is like marriage counseling, which strives to bring people back together. Others think it is like arbitration, which requires turning over decision-making to someone else. Mediation is neither of these things; it is for couples who have decided to divorce, but would prefer to resolve their issues out of court with the help of a neutral third party.

Process:  The primary thing to understand about the mediation process is how it differs from litigation. Make sure your spouse understands that mediation is less contentious and more flexible than litigation, is often speedier, and can result in significant financial savings. Many participants appreciate the fact that unlike litigation, mediation preserves confidentiality. If you have children, you can point out the potentially enormous benefits to them of reducing conflict and preserving privacy.

If your spouse is still hesitant after you have made these points, ask if they would at least consider meeting with a mediator to get more information.

Go: Prepare your Checklist

If you have agreed on the process and selected a mediator together, then it’s time to work on your checklist. Your mediator will provide you with more specifics, but you can save time by being ready to go right from the outset. You will need to collect:

  • Basic financial information, including recent W-2s, tax returns for the past 3 years, and complete financial Information about any businesses either or both of you own or operate;
  • Information about your employment status and history, particularly if either of you is unemployed or underemployed;
  • A detailed monthly budget of living expenses;
  • Information about coverage and cost of insurance (medical, life, auto, and other);
  • Copies of any prenuptial or postnuptial agreements you may have;
  • Evidence of any child support or alimony payments from previous marriages;
  • A complete list of your assets and debts, including dates of acquisition, form of title, and source of funds;
  • Information about any children you have together, including ages, schedules, any special needs, and any disputes between the two of you regarding custody or parenting time;
  • Documentation of any special issues, such as medical conditions or special financial circumstances.

For a more detailed look at what you will need, see: How to Prepare for Mediation – a Checklist.

Now you are ready to begin. Keep in mind though that mediation requires patience. Stay focused on the process and committed to the idea that this year will be the beginning of your new life.

Whether you are ready to schedule your first mediation session or are still exploring the process, the experienced and compassionate mediators at Weinberger Mediation Center can help. Contact us today for an initial consultation.

Jeff and Yvonne Build a Parenting Plan using Child Inclusive Mediation

In our last post, we discussed how a couple with three children between 12 and 15 years of age made the decision to pursue child inclusive mediation (CI). Both Jeff, a high school math teacher and basketball coach, and Yvonne, an IT professional, wanted primary residential custody of 15-year-old Kyle and 12-year-old twins, Katie and Kayla. Their mediator, Brian Hill, suggested that they try CI, a process that brings a mutually agreed upon child specialist into the mediation. Yvonne and Jeff agreed that this seemed like a positive way to move forward with a successful parenting plan. They chose Dr. Jasmine Landers as their specialist. Read more

Parenting Time:  Which Dispute Resolution Process Fits Your Family?

Couple meeting with divorce mediatorRecently we have been discussing different procedural options for resolving child custody disputes in New Jersey. We followed one family through litigation and another through mediation with a child-focused approach. Today we will look at a third option, child-inclusive mediation. Read more

Parenting Time: Derek and Megan Pursue Child Focused Mediation

Last month we discussed the predicament of Alan and Cherie, a couple who took their parenting dispute to court. Each of them hired a separate child custody evaluator, and while neither parent was dissatisfied with the ultimate result, both were highly dissatisfied with the level of conflict involved and with both the complexity and the high cost of the procedures. Today, we will look at another couple with a parenting dispute who have decided to take a different approach. Read more

Parenting Time: Alan and Cherie Go to Court

Today we are going to look more closely at Alan and Cherie, a couple we introduced in our last post.[i] Alan, a 45-year-old executive for a fast food restaurant chain, and Cherie, a 43-year-old small business owner, have decided to end their 15-year-marriage. They separated about 6 months ago when Alan moved out of the family home and into a separate apartment. Alan and Cherie are currently involved in a parenting time dispute regarding 11-year-old Alexis and 9-year-old Mike. Let’s see how mediation can help them. Read more

Resolving Parenting Disputes in Mediation: Three Families Consider the Options

In our last post, we discussed the documented benefits of child-focused mediation and child-inclusive mediation in divorce. In our next few posts, we will present the stories of three divorcing couples, each of whom decides to approach their parenting disputes in different ways. These families are fictional, but their stories are derived from various real life scenarios. One family will go through a court process, one will go through mediation with a child-focused approach, and the third will go through child-inclusive mediation. Read more

Keeping the Focus on Children in Parenting Mediation

If you are a parent embroiled in a disagreement about post-divorce custody or parenting time, you may be wondering how to get out of the conflict loop. Perhaps an attorney has told you that it is important to take a child focused approach. You may also have learned that the law allows children to have some input into which parent they would rather live with, if the child is old enough and mature enough to reach an intelligent decision. But how much input? And how old is old enough? Read more

Thinking of Divorce Mediation in 2018? Get Ready…Get Set…Go!

Did you make a New Year’s resolution this year to finally move ahead with your divorce? Sometimes couples decide to separate but then find themselves stymied about exactly how to proceed. Even after a New Year’s resolution, daily life has a way of intervening. If you are stuck wondering how to begin the divorce process, consider beginning with mediation. Read more