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Communicating with your Spouse During Divorce Mediation

divorce communication

If you are considering divorce mediation, you might be taken aback when you hear that during the process you and your soon-to-be-ex will need to speak directly to one another. Tracy, a 32-year-old mother of two, sums up the typical response. “Impossible! The whole reason we’re getting a divorce is that we’re completely unable to communicate with each other.”

But for Tracy, and for you, the truth is, no matter how you plan to proceed with your divorce, you will need to find some way to exchange information and ideas during settlement efforts. Effective communication can make all the difference when it comes to maximizing positive results. If you have children, you will also need to continue interacting with each other after the divorce is over, so the sooner you learn how to do that effectively the better. Read more

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Thinking of Divorce Mediation in 2018? Get Ready…Get Set…Go!

Did you make a New Year’s resolution this year to finally move ahead with your divorce? Sometimes couples decide to separate but then find themselves stymied about exactly how to proceed. Even after a New Year’s resolution, daily life has a way of intervening. If you are stuck wondering how to begin the divorce process, consider beginning with mediation. Read more

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Thankfulness and Mediation

If you are going through a divorce, especially now as the holidays are arriving, you may be finding it difficult to cultivate thankfulness. Even under the best of circumstances, divorce is stressful. The holiday season can actually make some people feel worse, because of the high expectations that this should be a happy and festive time of year. Still, if you have agreed with your spouse to use a collaborative method like divorce mediation to restructure your family, you do indeed have at least one thing to be grateful for.

Benefits of Mediation

Taking your divorce out of the courtroom can go a long way toward alleviating stress. Litigation tends to force divorcing spouses to face off as enemies, increasing hostility and conflict. By contrast, couples who choose to approach issues through a collaborative process can preserve the positive aspects of their relationship. If you have children, this can be a big step toward making their holidays happier.

The many advantages of mediation include the following:

  • The process is more flexible than adhering to crowded court calendars and formal court procedures.
  • It is often much faster than going through the courts.
  • It is usually cheaper, and sometimes much cheaper, than litigation.
  • The participants maintain control over the results.
  • Participants are able to preserve confidentiality.
  • The focus on mutually beneficial results tends to reduce conflict.
  • Children benefit when parents maintain positive interactions and open lines of communication.

Practicing Thankfulness is Worth the Effort

Mediation is a small consolation prize for the often overwhelming feelings of loss connected to divorce. Science tells us though, that changing focus is likely to be worth the effort. People who intentionally and regularly practice thankfulness not only experience more positive emotions, they also tend to sleep better, and they may even have stronger immune systems.

Harvard Medical School’s Healthbeat newsletter recounts research on the positive effects of practicing gratitude. In one study, psychologists Dr. Robert A. Emmons and Dr. Michael E. McCullough asked three groups of participants to write a few sentences each week, focusing on one of three topics. The first group wrote about events that had inspired feeling of gratitude. The second group wrote about daily irritations. The third group also wrote about events that had affected them, but without any direction to focus on either positive or negative effects. After 10 weeks of participation, the “gratitude” group expressed increased positive feelings and greater optimism. The researchers also found that this group was exercising more and had fewer doctor’s visits than the group that had  expressed irritations.

Another leading researcher in positive psychology, Dr. Martin E. P. Seligman, found that people who were directed to write and personally deliver a letter of gratitude once a week to someone they had not previously thanked for an act of kindness immediately exhibited a huge increase in happiness. Still other studies show that expressing gratitude for another person not only builds positive feelings toward that person, but can also make it easier to speak up to that person about problems in the relationship. This latter point may hold a helpful tip for mediation participants. While it might seem counterintuitive, focusing on what has been good in your marriage could make it easier to stand up for yourself in mediation.

Why Practicing Thankfulness, or “Gratitude,” is Effective

There is a pretty simple explanation for why expressing gratitude might make someone feel better. It’s a matter a focus. When we are so overwhelmed with sadness and worry that such feelings block out the positive aspects of our lives, it’s easy to go into a downward spiral. Practicing gratitude helps us refocus on what we have instead of what we lack—and it seems to work even if the only reason we are doing it is because someone else told us to! So give it a try. You have nothing to lose but a few minutes of time each day, and the benefits could be tremendous.

How to Cultivate Gratitude

Healthbeat suggests a few ways to cultivate gratitude on a regular basis, including the following:

  • Writing a thank-you note. Is there someone who has stood by your side throughout your marital strife? Express your appreciation of that person with a note. You can send it, or you can read it to the person aloud. This method has the side benefit of making the other person happier as well!
  • Thanking someone mentallyEven thinking about how grateful you are to have someone to lean on can generate positive emotions.
  • Keeping a gratitude journal. Taking a few minutes each day to jot down things you are grateful for is a tried and true method.
  • Praying. If you are religious, prayer can be a wonderful way of cultivating gratitude, and the holidays are an ideal time for renewing faith.
  • Meditating. If you favor a more secular spiritual practice, mindfulness may be the perfect choice. Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for maintaining sanity during divorce.  One variation on mindfulness meditation focuses on gratitude. You don’t need to set aside huge amounts of time for this. Joaquín, a positive psychology writer, points out that you can practice gratitude meditation in the amount of time it takes to brew your morning coffee. And as Healthbeat notes, gratitude can celebrate the smallest of things—the warmth of the sun, a pleasant sound, or the aroma of that eagerly anticipated first cup.

Even in our most troubled times, it is worth expressing thankfulness. No wonder we have an entire holiday dedicated to it!

The top mediation professionals at Weinberger Law Group’s Mediation Center are deeply thankful for the privilege of helping those going through divorce arrive at a place of peace and joy. Contact us today for a free consultation.  

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Tailoring Mediation to Your Needs: Three Stories

divorce mediationIn previous posts, we’ve talked about different ways to structure divorce mediation based on various factors. Some of these factors include complicated financial scenarios,  family home issues, and child custody disputes. Potential power imbalances or high degrees of conflict between divorcing spouses are also important concerns. Over the next few months, we will introduce three couples, each of whom is dealing with one or more of these issues. Their stories are fictional, but the couples possess multiple characteristics of actual clients. If you have some things in common with any of these couples, you may be able to use their experiences as a blueprint for how to move forward with mediation in your own divorce. Read more

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Divorce Mediation Up Close and Personal: Part IX – Derek and Stacey Recap

Business meeting in an officeSince the beginning of 2015, we have been following one couple, Derek and Stacey, through the divorce mediation process. As the year comes to a close, they are wrapping things up. They have worked out a Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) and will soon receive their final judgment of divorce. Thanks to a positive and productive mediation experience, both Stacey and Derek are satisfied with their settlement terms. They are functioning amicably in their new relationship as single co-parents, their children are thriving, and they are both looking forward to bright new futures. Read more

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Divorce Mediation up Close and Personal – Derek and Stacey, Part II

U - 78568598_47In our first installment we saw how Derek and Stacey came to the tough decision to divorce and also how they ended up choosing divorce mediation. In the next few installments we’ll watch their story unfold as they move through the mediation process. Read more

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How Divorce Mediation Can Help Your Children

How divorce mediation helps kids

Most divorcing parents are concerned about protecting their children from the negative effects of divorce. This raises an initial question: Is divorce always bad for children? Social researchers have found this question difficult to answer—partly because no two families going through divorce are alike—but the consensus seems to be that divorce is not always bad for children. If a divorce removes a child from a high-conflict environment, the child may actually fare better after the divorce. This is because high familial conflict affects children more negatively than divorce.

It isn’t hard to understand how a child might feel relief when a high-conflict household becomes more peaceful. But what if your family is not experiencing high conflict? Read more

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Choosing the Mediation Process

Weinberger Mediation Center is here because we believe that mediation offers a positive alternative for couples trying to find a friendlier, less stress-filled way to resolve their divorce or family law dispute. Court litigation can be helpful and necessary in some divorce and family law cases. However, for many couples in NJ, mediation provides a cost-effective way to quickly reach a settlement viewed as acceptable by both sides. Read more

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